Incompatibility

Sometimes when we meet new people, they can seem like the perfect match for the type of partner you’ve been looking for. They’re funny, sweet, sensitive, romantic and caring.

After a few months, little differences start to show you might realize that the partner you found is not the person you thought he was at all.

In most cases, this is simply because everyone is on their best behavior when they meet a new person. They’re showing you all their good traits and pleasant attributes.

However, once people start to get familiar and comfortable with another person, they can lapse into their real personalities. This isn’t always a bad thing. You might find you like each other more once you drop the pretense of always being perfect.

Of course, you could learn that you don’t like the stranger who emerged at all.

Incompatibility doesn’t always mean that you have different goals or hobbies or interests. It could mean you have different objectives in life or different religious beliefs or any number of things.

Being incompatible also doesn’t mean your relationship has to end, but there will be some things that need to be addressed.

Mending the Rift

The level of incompatibility between you and your partner is something only you can know. Some couples agree to be tolerant of the others beliefs or goals. Other couples make the change to one or the other person’s way of thinking.

Unfortunately there can be much deeper issues to overcome if your partner doesn’t want any children and you want four, plus a dog. Your partner might be into sexual fantasies that involve rubber chickens and gummy bears – or any other array of props – and you just can’t bring yourself to go there.

Your partner may also have issues with substance abuse, physical abuse or other deeper psychological issues that you don’t want to be a part of. These deeper incompatibility issues can be reason enough to consider looking for a new partner.

Being incompatible on some issues doesn’t mean the relationship needs to end. You may simply need to work on communicating your needs and preferences to your partner. However, when there are deeper issues involved, it may be time to question whether you’re happy to compromise your own values for the sake of a relationship.

There are couples who remain together out of fear. They fear being alone, they fear what it might mean to lose their loved one. They fear having to survive financially without a partner or they fear leaving because their partner has threatened them in some way.

Fear is simply a sense of dread about the unknown, fueled by the imagination giving you all sorts of worst-case-scenario images about what might go wrong.

If you’re in your relationship because you’re afraid to be alone, then this should be a signal to you that your relationship isn’t right for you, but you aren’t ready to move on as an independent adult.

However, if your fear is based on a more serious psychological issue, such as physical or emotional abuse, then things are a little different.

There are people who remain in relationships because they fear what their partner would do to them if they left. Their partner may have threatened to commit suicide if they leave, or they may have threatened to hunt them down and hurt them if they leave.

Each of these kinds of threats falls under the Emotional Blackmail category and is damaging the trust, respect and future of the relationship.

Mending the Rift

Understand the reasons why you’re afraid of your partner or fearful of leaving and then look closely at the reasons why you’re staying.

If you truly love that person and you know the relationship is perfect for you, then you will need to sort through your fear and anxiety to uncover the root of the problem.

However, if your partner is abusive or threatening or has anger management issues, ask yourself seriously what kind of person shows love this way. Is this the type of love you want to receive? If you fear someone so much that you’re afraid to leave, then you should question whether love is really a part of your relationship at all.

A strong, healthy relationship involves love, trust and respect for and from each of you. These feelings can only survive when there is no fear of your partner or of what your partner might do.

Communication and honesty about your feelings can be a good step towards mending some of the fear-issues, but only you can know if the relationship is worth saving in these circumstances.

Love can’t exist without trust. If one person within the relationship constantly feels as though the other is sneaking around or hiding secrets, or perhaps has even been caught being unfaithful, this can damage the trust in a relationship.

Mutual trust can be a strong basis for a healthy relationship. When that trust is breached, not only does one partner feel betrayed, disappointed and cheated, but the other partner can often feel enormous guilt.

These negative emotions can lead to other problems within the relationship, including communication problems and insecurity.

Building and earning another person’s trust and respect takes time, especially after catching your partner out on something major, like an affair or a significant lie. Only you can know whether you’re prepared to forgive a major breach in trust.

If you do decide to work on mending the relationship you should also be prepared not to throw the indiscretion back in the other person’s face at every opportunity. When you’ve told your partner you’re willing to forgive what’s happened, but then immediately make them feel bad for it all over again at every opportunity, you’re holding a grudge, which can break down any work you’ve done towards trying to fix your relationship.

Mending the Rift

If the trust in your relationship has been destroyed, trying to cling to your partner or not let them out of your sight is not going to make things better. You’ll end up smothering the other person and making them feel suffocated. Your own fears about them repeating the problem are creating even less trust, which can spiral into a vicious cycle.

Holding a grudge and reminding your partner about their behavior regularly is also a sign that you’re not willing to forgive and move on. Your partner may begin to feel as though it’s all too hard if you’re not willing to work on more positive ways to get through a bad patch.

Communication and understanding are vital when you’re trying to mend a breach in trust. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. If he or she is truly sorry for the behavior and seems honestly regretful about it, then there’s a chance that it was a mistake and won’t be repeated.

However, there are some occasions where it may be possible to consider if you want to remain in the relationship at all. Only you can know if you’re willing to forgive a breach of trust.

I make no claims in this series of articles that I can prescribe a pill that will “fix it and forget it.” Indeed, a marriage must be tended to on a daily basis. So, you need to get into a healthy relationship routine rather than any quick fix. The bond between you and your partner must be strong. You’ll see problems when it deteriorates. Everything will seem like a big deal even if the issue at hand is minor.

That’s why you need to do frequent “checkups” to see how your relationship is working. It’s a good idea to take an inventory of your marriage at the end of every day as you are drifting off to sleep. As you review the events of the day, examine how your interactions with your partner went. If you are unsatisfied, figure out how you could have handled it differently and figure out what you can do to correct it tomorrow. When you do this daily, you will notice problems sooner than if you don’t and noticing a problem early is the first line of defense in correctly.

Problems that Can and Can’t be Fixed

Not every problem can be fixed, even with a “spoonful of sugar.” Recognizing which are which can help you determine the course of action you should take.

The five issues that couples tend to fight about are money, sex, kids, family and friends, and spare time. These are everyday topics that can be fixed when you develop good communication skills. If you are motivated to make the marriage work, you’ll find ways to compromise.

Unfortunately, there are some problems that have no easy fixes. No matter how much you try, you won’t find a solution unless someone or something changes dramatically.

If your partner refuses to compromise on most issues, you have to decide whether you are willing to live on his or her terms. Doing so, generally, is not healthy. If you are the one always giving in, your partner is controlling you. You may have a naturally accepting nature, but your spouse is taking advantage of it and taking you for granted.

Next, you need to be aiming for the same things. If your partner doesn’t share the goal of the relationship, you are in for problems. For instance, if you want children and your spouse doesn’t, that can be a deal breaker. One of you is not going to get something deeply desired. There is no way to compromise or meet “half way” on this issue and no amount of talking is going to change the other person’s mind. If you have determined this is the case, you should end the relationship and move on.

Besides kids, there are other life goals that can split up a marriage. For instance, if you can’t compromise on when to buy a house, how to go back to school for a degree, or how to spend money you may need the help of a professional counselor. If counseling doesn’t work, a split may be in the works.

An infatuation can disappear overnight, but a marriage doesn’t fall apart that quickly. The disintegration of your relationship happens over time. Along the way, there are many opportunities to make your union more satisfying and healthy.

But, many people spend years and years doing nothing to fix their relationship. They are miserable and their marriage doesn’t add any satisfaction to their life. They just can not conceptualize what is happening in their life. Their thoughts are disorganized and confused. They just avoid thinking about their problems and hope for the best. But problems that don’t get worked on are never solved.

What tends to happen is that things get worse and worse. Both partners get upset over more and more things. Communication spirals downwards and sometimes ceases. Other times, the couple lives in the state of heated arguments and power struggles. One small statement can trigger an entire argument.

If you’ve gotten to this place in your marriage, you need some relationship medicine. And a spoonful of sugar can’t help sweeten a sour marriage.

A Healthy Marriage – Day by Day

You can never afford to stop paying attention to your relationship. If you do, it will stop functioning. Marriage is work, and you have to work at it every day. Just as a car needs regular maintenance, your relationship needs to be tuned up in order to keep running.

Some people spend more time keeping their car in good shape – gas, oil changes, and regular maintenance – than they do working with their spouse. The thing is, a car isn’t a relationship – your marriage is.

A car is a machine. But people have thoughts, feelings, motivations, desires, and actions of their own. These complicate any interactions.

And remember – no matter how much money you spent on your car – your relationships are much more expensive!

When the two of you first got together, you spent time and emotional energy to become close. You shared your thoughts, feelings and experience with one another. You had secrets that you didn’t share with anyone else.

Over time, people become guilty of not nurturing their relationships because they have so many other pressing responsibilities. There’s a job, housework, and children to tend to. Oh yeah, and a car to take care of!

But you owe it to yourself and your spouse to give your relationship special care. While you need to take care of all of the adult responsibilities of life, you also need to be nourished as a person and live a balanced life. That’s where your relationship comes in; the things that keep you and your mate closely bonded keep you sane. If you fail to do this, you will spend a lot more time, emotion,energy, and money breaking up and starting over.

 

On a few occasions in your life, you will experience great sex. When everything comes together just right, you can have a mind blowing experience that will last you your whole life long.

It can happen when you and your partner are feeling smitten with each other, when you have a particularly special occasion, or are feeling on top of the world for some non-relationship reason.

Whatever the cause, great sex happens when some extra variable adds to the pleasure and makes it a peak experience.

Not every sexual encounter is going to be great sex. Sometimes the sex is good.

Good sex is the normal sexual relations you have with your partner. It is the giving and receiving of pleasure. You don’t even have to orgasm to have good sex, you just have to share physically.

Then there’s maintenance sex. Don’t undercut the importance of maintenance sex as it can lubricate the relationship. This is when you don’t have the time for wine and flowers, but you need the release found only in each other’s arms.

Women tend to love great sex and appreciate good sex but not understand the importance of maintenance sex. This helps keep you emotionally and physically close when you have only 20 minutes to connect at the end of a stressful day.

When Should You Have Sex?

The more sex you have, the better. So, ideally, you will have sex whenever one partner wants it. The person who is not in the mood should do whatever he or she can to get in the mood with the partner’s help.

Some people enjoy sex in the morning while others prefer it in the evening. Some are only comfortable in the dark while others like the lights all on. Discuss your preferences with your partner and be prepared to make trade offs so you both get what you want some of the time.

Why Should You Have Sex?

Sex is the glue which keeps you physically and emotionally connected in a relationship. It is a unique experience that you don’t share with anyone else. It helps you become tightly bonded.

When you have sex, you feel more like a team and it helps you get through the rough spots. You sense how much your partner cares about you and wants to give you pleasure.

Sex is also an amazing release from the everyday stresses life brings on. Orgasm calms you and helps distract you from your problems.

Sex offers an emotional and physical release – so most people are easier to live with after they have made love.

How Much Sex Should You Have?

When you don’t have sex, you fall out of touch with your body. The more sex you have, the more you’ll want it. You will get in touch with your partner’s body and your own.

Many people underestimate just how important sex is emotionally, physically, and mentally. They also don’t understand how important it is for the relationship.

Sex is a normal healthy drive – just like eating or sleeping. Just ignoring it doesn’t make it go away.

So, the more sex you have, the more you’ll want. And that’s a healthy thing.

Size Doesn’t Matter

Many people (especially men) think that “the bigger the penis, the bigger the man.” Men with small penis’ may feel inadequate and larger men may feel they don’t have to work as hard as a result of this myth.

What a man does with his organ (and his fingers and tongue) are far more important than its size.

While many women report being attracted to a large member, they are far more interested in the entire sexual experience – starting with the flowers and candles.

If you are a smaller man, you should learn to give a woman a whole range of physical experiences – from kissing and touching to manual stimulation and oral sex to bring her to orgasm.

If you are a larger man, these things hold true as well. In fact, they may be more important because she’s going to need some extra lubrication to handle you.

There’s No One “Right Way”to Orgasm

Sigmund Freud asserted that vaginal orgasms were “true” orgasms and clitoral ones were “inferior”. In the 1960’s studies by Masters and Johnson, researchers directly observed and filmed sex in the laboratory for the first time. They discovered that the physiological experience of orgasm is the same however it is reached.

During intercourse, a man indirectly stimulates a woman’s clitoris. Many women find that it is easier to climax with direct stimulation. Therefore, they want manual and oral sex as part of the repertoire.

However, that is only part. Though less likely to lead to orgasm, many women say that they would never want to eliminate intercourse because it leads to the closest physical feeling with their partner.

Don’t Skip Sex Because You’re Not in the Mood

Many people think you should skip sex if one partner is not in the mood. If you believe this, you will find yourself in a situation where the two of you have sex less and less. Two people are hardly ever in the mood at the same time.

This myth emphasizes your mood before foreplay. Once you start in, you may find yourself getting into the mood.

Sex is a stress reducer. If you don’t have sex because you are stressed out, you will become increasingly stressed, which could lead to even less sex. The cycle continues.

Sex encourages you to be emotionally intimate with your partner. If you’re not having sex, you will have more problems in your relationship.

If you are not in the mood – let your partner get you in the mood!

What Is Good Sex?

Good sex is both emotionally healthy and fun. It happens between two mutually consenting adults. It shouldn’t cause tissue damage or psychological confusion.

Sex should be accompanied with healthy thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. When accompanied with unhealthy thoughts, feelings and behaviors, then these things are reinforced with one of the most powerful reinforces – orgasm.

This series of articles is entitled “C’mon Baby Light My Fire.” That is because, in many relationships, the fire has gone out of the partnership.  The couple is struggling along more out of inertia rather than any real feelings.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.  You can recharge your relationship.  Part of it is understanding sex itself and the other part is understanding the emotional underpinnings of a relationship.  This report explores both aspects.

While people may talk about their deepest feelings about politics and religion freely now, any public discussion of sex remains facile.  As a result, there are a lot of strange ideas about making love that are floating around out there.

We’re more educated about sex these days, and there’s no lack of sexually laden images out there.  But, real information about sex and relationships is hard to find.

So, this article will start with sex myths and move on to exploring the relationship glue that is making love.

Five Sex Myths

Orgasm is the Goal

Many people believe that both partners should achieve orgasm as the end product of any sexual episode.  This can only lead to frustration.  There’s nothing wrong with one partner or the other not coming to climax.

Many men feel that they have been less than satisfactory bed partners if they do not bring their mate to orgasm.  As a result, they try and try and she becomes increasingly frustrated.  He may even begin to feel like a failure.  Then, the woman tries to reassure him, eroding the trust and love in the relationship.

Sex then becomes stressful rather than a way to release stress.  It becomes a chore rather than play time.  The question hangs in the air every time the couple makes love: will she orgasm?  As a result, the woman becomes too tense to ever orgasm.  This is when sex stops being fun and starts being a quest for the “Big ‘O’ “.

The same thing can happen in reverse.  If a man can’t ejaculate, a woman may feel that she’s not doing her job.  If she pushes him too hard, he may even stop being able to have an erection with her.

This tension and grief is just wasted energy.  Sex is giving and receiving pleasure, not a race to orgasm.  You need to remember to feel during sex, not perform.

In short, relax and enjoy sex.

Experience NOT Necessary

Sex is not an area where “Practice Makes Perfect.”  The truth is that if you’ve been having sex for a long time with a wide variety of partners, you may become overconfident in bed.  You may not take the time to find out what this partner wants and needs.

Every new partner is a new sexual experience.  Everyone is wired differently.  Your new partner may find irritating or painful what your last partner found stimulating.  Additionally, everyone orgasms a little bit differently – some screaming and some crying.

So, don’t treat your new partner like you did your last.  Make it the first time, every time.